Consequences: How the cause and effect laws apply to both conversation and modesty.

So, I posted a controversial post on Facebook, and as we all would have guessed, it exploded into a heated argument.

 "Girls, tight skirts are a no go at Conference, no matter how long, or short, they may be. They are most definitely not modest, and I care enough about yall to let yall know."

 We can see that I tried to make it sound at least a little nice by stating my purpose and motives behind the comment.

"I care enough about yall to let yall know"

I also posted things from the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet published by the Church that supported my claim.

However, the biting attitude in the first half very ineffectively portrayed my complex and deep beliefs on the issue. It showed very little understanding. It raised people's defenses by lowering safety levels to zero.

Naturally, people got very offended and began to attack me with all of the mentioned things that "Crucial Conversations" predicts will happen when we are on what the authors call "our worst behavior". I was labeled as judgmental, accused of defining modesty for them, accused of going beyond what the prophets have written on the subject, and even was told by one person that they never wanted to ever talk to me again. My Christianity and charity was insulted deeply, and what others wrote hurt my soul to read.

Initially, I felt like a failure as I watched myself respond with highly emotional comments, and even descended to saying some things that were flat out rude. I slowly pulled myself together as I realized what I was doing, and did my best to back up and look at the whole situation. Did the others fully intend to insult me? Did I intend to insult them? Did I go too far? What could I have done better? What can I do now to show my understanding and open up the safety again so that we can discuss this at a mature, healthy level?

So, I apologized for what I did wrong. I didn't say that my point of view was necessarily incorrect, but I truly regretted the way that I had worded it. I asked for people to tell me what things that I did caused them offense, but asked them to refrain from trying to convince me that I was wrong in my manner of thinking and to stick to relaying information on the way that I had discussed the topic.

Again, naturally, people told  me what I had done wrong. I had used absolutes ("tight skirts are a NO GO"). However doctrinally founded I believe that my claim was, to others I had defined what can and can't be worn to maintain modesty, and they didn't like someone else defining their standards, or rather in my mind (according to them) holding them to standards that they don't agree with. They affirm that I have staked out the right to choose which people I decide are modest and which people I decide aren't and to hold them mentally accountable for their choice of dress.

I have in no wise changed my standard for modesty, and I know that each person has the right to choose what they will and will not wear. They do not have the ability to choose the effects of wearing what they will.

I feel like this is an issue at stake; choices and consequences are eternally bound together. Choices affect how our life goes. Consequences naturally follow our choices, and once we have acted we have no ability to decide which consequences we want.

I did not have the ability to choose how people reacted to my post, and I had to deal with all consequences of my choice. I chose to do so with my shoulders as square as I could muster, and asked for ways that I could improve. I owned up to my mistakes, and have adjusted my thinking respectively.

I do not believe that personal wardrobe selection is any different. I believe that women are free to make that selection as they desire, but they cannot choose how they are perceived any more than I could. They can rationalize as much as they want their rights and explain what I should do in response, which is good for me to know. However, they can't wear something immodest and expect to have no negative effects on the spirits, bodies and minds of men any more than I can expect to post the posts with a similar attitude and to have different results. That expectation is not realistic, nor is it fair. It is not founded on any science that I have heard of, but if anyone has information otherwise I am most willing to study it out.

I am grateful to those who have been willing to push past the naive me and help me to understand things better, and sorry to anyone whom I have offended by my tactics, though not by my argument. For this soldier, modest IS hottest, because I love a virtuous woman to no end. Virtuous women are my heroes, and the last Chapter of Proverbs is my favorite by far.

Thanks for reading, I hope to have more things to write soon, but I hope that next time I will have offended less people in my efforts to speak up!