Easter Sunday I had a conversation with my cousins about the expectations of men for women and women for men. Dating is the classic scene of poor communication. The guys have no idea what the girl wants, and the girls give little hints that the guy is supposedly able to pick up on to know whether or not she is interested. Knowing this, it makes it only more confusing for the guy because he does not think in this way. Consider my title and imagine the pressure on us as we are generally expected to make the decisive moves in a manner that isn't creepy or overkill, but that demonstrates how we feel. The women are expected to show interest, but, as many that I know are going through, when they want a guy to ask them out they can't force him to do so. This puts them between a rock and a hard place. Do they go ahead and ask them out, or do they just have to stick it out and hope that he catches their hints?
So I began to wonder how I could apply crucial conversations to this topic, and to be honest I still have no idea what exactly to do. I was grateful for the long list of advice that I received from my cousins and friends, enjoyed giving my advice as well despite my lack of expertise in the field.
In those conversations, I concluded that honesty is a two-edged sword; if you frame it poorly it can be very offensive or disconcerting. Also, if you hide it, I have learned from personal dating experience that it also causes grief. These are the two extremes of silence and violence discussed in the book.
Let's think about this following situation. How could we tell the truth without harming the relationship? What might change were we to clarify what we want to accomplish in the chat and what we don't want to come off as. How could asking questions concerning the other person's purpose help to make things clearer and less awkward?
Bill has started to get to know Jill. Over time he finds her attractive and inside of him emotions develop due in part to hormones and in part to him recognizing good qualities in the girl. He is nervous, and doesn't know well how to express these emotions, so he suddenly professes his emotions that he truly has towards Jill to her with little tact. Jill gets scared off pretty fast. She had been a little interested, but now she assumes that Bill will go crazy trying to convince her to marry him even though this is only the first time that he has asked her out. Trying to protect herself, she bluntly tells him that she never wants to be with him and you list a long list of qualities that were unattractive to her. Bill goes away feeling like she is a jerk and that it is better that he finds someone else anyway. Her purpose might be achieved in getting him to leave, but Bill now has very negative emotions towards her that could have been avoided.
This relationship could have been salvaged if the two had learned to effectively communicate. This common setting of an interaction has not always ended poorly. Though it might end in a simple friendship, it can be an important bonding experience that will help both parties to learn to truly love through understanding.
Let's edit how Bill and Jill go about the scenario and include crucial conversation skills. This time i'll include dialogue so that we can see how it plays out.
Bill: Hey, Jill I want to talk to you for a sec.BAD MOVE BY BILL. RED FLAG FOR JILL. I AM RHYMING STILL, NOW GO ON WE SHALL! WATCH HOW STATING THE PURPOSE OF BOTH SIDES CHANGES THE CONVERSATION HERE.
Jill: Sure, Bill. What's up
Bill: Well, this topic makes me a little nervous, and I may not express myself well, so please bear with me and have patience. I think that you are a fun girl and that you would make a great mother someday, and I have begun to have feelings towards you.
Jill: Um. Ok. I am not ready to take this relationship quite that far yet. We haven't even been on a date yet, Bill. I would be interested in trying out a date or two, but I wouldn't want to start something if you are expecting to get married with me from the get go.
Bill: I agree with you one hundred percent. I must have I portrayed an expectation of marriage without really intending to. What I really wanted to say is that I would like to see if we mesh well. I like what I have seen in you and would like to take it to the next step.
Jill: Why don't we go with some friends to get some ice-cream or something like that, and if we find that we aren't the best match for each other we can always leave it at that.
Bill: What if it goes well?
Jill: I don't know, yet, Bill. We will have to see.
Both sides understand where the other wants to go, and they are comfortable with the situation even though they don't know where it will lead them. Jill let Bill know that she doesn't want to go forward too fast, but that she is at least mildly interested in him. Bill admits that he did not say what he truly intended for the outcome of the relationship. This situation does not mean that they have to end up as a forever family, but at least they have understood what the other person was feeling.
Jill's first reaction is something that scares guys away from asking girls out. Another is when the figurative Bill asks Jill out with the same sentence "I think you'd make a good mother" and has the healthy mindset shown in the dialogue, and Jill becomes very excited and after the first date wants to marry him. Both sides need to understand that the first date, or even subsequent dates, are not a proposal even if portrayed on accident as such.
Situation #2
Jane likes Bill, but he won't make the next move on her. She is frustrated with him, and wants to know why guys don't just man up and ask the girl out sometimes. In the past she feels that he has shown interest in her, but he seems to expect her to plan all of the events. From Bill's perspective, he has just recently been out with Jill and isn't sure that she is what he is looking for, but he doesn't want to burn that bridge. Jane throws hints at him that she wants him to ask her out, but he is completely oblivious. Midway, Bill helps her to get what she wants to not say out on the table.
Jane: Bill, why don't guys ever plan out their dates? I get tired of having to do all the work.
Bill: Well, Jane, it is a work in progress for most guys. Planning never was our forte, and I admit that sometimes we really do drop the ball. Money is tight, too. That doesn't help.
Jane: Just do something cheap, then. A picnic, a hike or something like that.
Bill: I sense a lot of pent up emotions here. This must be an important subject for you.
Jane: It is.
Bill: Then I don't want to start an argument and say something that neither one wants to say, but I would like to know why it is so important to you. Is there someone that you wish would ask you out?
Personally this part would be very awkward for me to explain were I Jane. I had to think the response through for a good while.
(long pause)
Bill: Ah, a deeper sensitive subject I see.
Jane: Well, I don't want it to be awkward, but now that it is up for discussion I'd like for you to ask me out.
(longer pause)
Bill: Sensitive subject would be an understatement. Um... Well... I'd love to take you out for something cheap sometime, I am just not really looking to start a relationship yet.
Jane: What do you say we go on a date and decide from there? No strings attached.
Bill: Frisbee golf on Saturday?
Jane: And cookies at my apartment afterwards.
Bill: We're on the same page that it's just a date, right?
Jane: Yes.
Bill: Ok! Can't wait til this weekend!
I had a conversation similar to these one when I broke up with my girlfriend my senior year of high school in preparation for my mission. We stated our purposes of not wanting to confuse each other, but that we had interest in the other person, so we would wait until after my mission to see if it would work. We understood that there existed no contract between the two and that it was not out of the question that we remain friends for life and that we go separate ways. These understanding moments really work, though they are difficult to pass through. Anyway, we still did stuff together for the following year until my mission, we dated other people, and she got married a year into my mission. I was grateful that we had communicated effectively in at least some cases, and learned some good lessons in the process.
Challenge of the week, singles: have a crucial conversation with a member of the opposite gender, whether it be concerning feelings that you have for them, or just how you expect them to act in a dating situation. I will try to do so again this week, too to not be a hypocrite. It doesn't mean that I will have a new girlfriend in a week, and that is not the intention, though it may be a welcomed result:P
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